It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
