why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
