the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize