Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
