Well apparently he's into motor boating.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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