Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
