he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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