i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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