How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
