she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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