He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
