I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
