VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
