I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Actions speak louder than pants.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
