someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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