Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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