Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How does it feel to date your dad?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
