hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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