Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
