That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
