Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
