stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
