I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
