Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
