I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
