When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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