you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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