We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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