so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
