Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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