Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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