Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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