I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
