He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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