Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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