I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
