just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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