...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
