How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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