so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
