After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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