Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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