My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
