from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
