I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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