chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize