i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
