i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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