Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
