Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
