just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
