my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
