Apparently you make a good broom.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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