Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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