I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
