So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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