im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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