My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
