Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize