hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
