when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
